You can't make this stuff up...

Y'all...Look what I just found stuck smack-dab on the front of my shirt this morning at work!!
I taught all morning long and I don't think any of my students saw it (They didn't say anything...and let's be honest- If they think it, they say it!). I went to eat my lunch...looked down...O.M.G!! Mortifying!!!! But, Oh.SO.FUNNY!!

I needed a good laugh.

A Greater "Yes"

I actually wrote this post last fall, but I wanted to repost it because my heart needed the reminder. I was telling a friend last night that I might seem like I am holding it together, most days I am not. I usually don't post on my worst days because, let's be honest- it is nasty! So today, as my anxiety levels are beginning to rise and my hope is continuing to wane, I needed a reminder that God does have a plan. I don't understand it, to be honest- I don't even like it right now, but I have to trust that He has one.

Three and a half years ago, on a beautiful winter afternoon, my dad walked me down the aisle to give me away to the man who captured my heart. On that day, we stood before our family and friends and made a covenant with God and each other that we would walk with each other "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health".

I distinctly recall the moment that we were asked if we would "accept children lovingly from God". My answer came in the form of a little chuckle, barely getting out the "We Do."

I remember having two thoughts at that moment. First, that this was the beginning of what I had always dreamed of in life. The beginning of my precious family- me, my husband, and my multitude of children. I remember thinking that I was finally at that place that I had always felt created to be- a wife and then a mother.  My second thought was "Lord, please send them (children) slow and steady! We don't want them all at one time!"

Oh, to have the moment back. Oh, to not have been so naive as to think that it would just happen like that.

I never imagined that this would be my path. Our path.

I adore my husband. He walks this path right next to me, and he does so heroically. This is our path. Together.

I assumed that the first three years of our marriage would be filled with crying children, I just never assumed that the crying child would be me. I assumed that I would be kept up at night tending to a child that needed its mother, I never assumed that I would be the one who spent my evenings crying out to my Father.

It's funny how infertility affects you. I used to go to weddings and be in awe of the love of the couple, the beauty of the dress, the amazement of the covenant. Oh, how this has changed me. I participated in the wedding of one of my dearest friends last summer, and spent the entire time praying for one thing: their fertility. I begged God, with tears in my eyes, that He would spare them the pain I've felt for the past three and a half years, that their hearts would never ache because of the emptiness that infertility brings. Last month, I got to hold their answer to my prayer on their wedding day in my arms. I held a tangible reminder that God, does in fact, answer prayers and I am waiting with expectant hope for the day I can hold my own baby in my arms- the answer to the prayers so many have lifted up for us. (Here is a shameless plug: Pray for your local infertiles!)

I have faith that infertility will not be my life forever. That one day my months will no longer be counted in cycle days and baby shower announcements won't induce a raging panic attack. I have faith that one day baby bumps will not send me into a deep dark hole and that friends will no longer avoid you for fear of you dropping the "I" bomb and discussing how badly your heart is breaking. That one day people discussing how they would like to try for number __ won't leave me feeling like I need to ask for an oxygen mask. No, I do not believe that this will be life forever. This is just a season.
I believe that God's "no" to me and my husband means that He has a greater "yes" for us right now. 
A greater "yes"- Can you imagine?

My Achy, Breaky Heart

It hurts- so badly.

I don't know how much more it can take.

This was not my Easter and once again I am left in the waiting crowd.

You know how there is always that wailing child in Mass, right when it gets quiet (Don't get me wrong- I pray for my ears to be filled with the sound of my screaming babies!)? Yeah, that's me. Looking about like this...

(Thanks, Google Images. You hit the nail on the head!)

Prayers for Sweet Isa **Updated**

If you have a minute this morning, would you join me in prayer for my precious niece, Isabel?

She is going in for surgery to place tubes in her sweet, little ears at 10am EST.

Prayers for an easy and quick procedure and recovery (as well as for peace for her Momma!) would be most appreciated!

Thank you, thank you!

UPDATE: Sweet Isa (yes, we call her that in real life!) did GREAT! Her surgery seemed to be a success, though she will now be finding out for the first time exactly what life with five big brothers sounds like!
Thank you again for all of your prayers!

Response from Dr. Hilgers!

It has only been three weeks and I already have my response from Dr. Hilgers! I was shoc.ked. At first I was nervous that I wasn't charting properly and that I would open it, only to find- "Sorry, try again."


So, the letter gave a lengthy list of possible issues and an even lengthier (is that even a word?) list of tests/procedures that I need to have run. I know that many of you have received letters just like this, so please give me your thoughts.


Where do I even begin? HELP! You old NaPro pros- please give me some advice.


I am going to call the office today and talk to one of his nurses, but I thought you guys might be able to give me more insight.


Do I start running tests here in my hometown? Do I do everything there? How much does it cost overall? I know that they don't accept our insurance, so how does that work? Everything out of pocket ?...eek.


Thank you, thank you, thank you!


Now, if I could just find someone who is independently wealthy to help us foot the bill, we would be good! Do you think it would be tacky to have a bake sale? (obviously I am joking!...kinda)




Happy Easter Tuesday to you all!


And, a very Happy Birthday to my Mr. H- I am so lucky to have you!

Prayer Buddy Reveal (and thank you!)

I had the great honor and privilege of praying for the new Dr. Moonhead throughout the Lenten season!

I have read A's blog for some time now and have always been so inspired by it, so I was humbled to know that I was chosen to be her prayer warrior for Lent. She had a true Lenten journey this year, with many ups and downs as she finished up and defended her thesis. Congratulations on finishing your PhD! What an accomplishment!

Mr. Henderson and I will continue to lift you up in our daily prayers in the upcoming months. It has been such a gift getting to know you over at your blog! I will be praying for your upcoming surgery and that the Lord will bless you abundantly in this upcoming year!

Happy Easter to the Matching Dr. Moonheads!

And a big thank you to my prayer buddy, Chasing Joy! You were one of the original blogs that I found and I feel honored to be the recipient of your prayers. I know that this Lenten season knew many graces because of your intercession and I am so very grateful for them. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers!

Lord of everything? I'm working on it.

Oh, Holy Week…I am so very glad that you are finally here!

I won’t lie, I feel like I am one of the few Catholic IF ladies that is still standing in the midst of holy week. So many of our bloggie ladies in this Catholic IF land are embracing their Easter already, and for that we all have to rejoice! I mean, we all join this little community praying that we each get to crossover into the land of motherhood- it would stink if we all stayed IF forever! I am so excited for each of you, but also what it means for the rest of us- that God is faithful to answering prayers!

I was thinking about the image of us all being part of a huge ship, all sailing in the infertile waters. And while our original ship was once full of passengers, it seems as if many have jumped that ship and settled into a new one. We are all still sailing on those same waters, just in different boats. I will gladly jump this ship as soon as God allows it, but I do hate the thought of leaving others behind.

Mr. H and I have been talking a lot about what in the world (not in those nice words) God is trying to teach us with all of this. I am so very tired from running this race…emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have had a few people tell me that infertility is one of their greatest fears, yeah…me too. But, I don’t have any other choice then to keep going.

We came to the realization that God has to be the Lord of every aspect of our life- including our fertility (even if it meant taking more kids then we had planned!). I don’t think that means you just sit back and enjoy the ride- no, I think that God allows us (and wants us) to take an active part in all of this, but that ultimately He must be the Lord of everything.

I realized that the last few years have been about God being the Lord of my life and me being the Lord of my reproductive life. And, we all know, you can’t be both servant and master. He has to be the Lord of all of it, or else He isn’t the Lord of any of it. This probably doesn’t make sense- I am rambling!

Anyways- we have committed to trying to allow him to be the Lord of it all, including the building of our family. That does not mean that infertility will not continue to hurt like hell, it doesn’t mean that the smile on my face when people talk about “trying soon for a baby” or “when the next one comes” will no longer be hiding my breaking heart. No, it just means that I am trying to accept this cross until it can be traded in for my crown. I know that the pain of the cross will make the joy of the crown that much more beautiful (and appreciated!).

I am trying to meditate on the words of this song (sung by the beautiful Aud.rey Assa.d no less!), which say “Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen.”
I know that God promises something far more beautiful for each of us than we could have ever imagined, so I am trying to trust in that promise.

Our Easter is on its way!

A Good and Faithful Servant

Grandpa J passed away this evening. His death was peaceful and he had his wife of 63 years by his side, which is exactly as he would have wanted. 

Mr. Henderson and I were able to spend a few hours with him last night and had the opportunity to pray with him for a little bit. I am again reminded of how precious the gift of a goodbye.

Thank you for all of the prayers over the last few weeks. We are all relieved that he is no longer suffering. I am sure he was greeted with the words "Well done, good and faithful servant."

It must be prayer buddy season again!

Wow! Spring is really here, isn't it?! There has been a plethora of pregnancy announcements and babies being born! I am thrilled beyond belief for each of you - God is certainly answering some prayers! I don't mean this is any negative way, but I tell you what- you almost have to hold your breath every time you open the blogs up when it's prayer buddy season! All of these announcements just go to show the power of people praying for each other. Too awesome for y'all!

We just returned from a little break away and after celebrating sweet Isabel's day 'o birth, we headed up to the hospital to see Grandpa J, which is where we are now(so this will be short and sweet!).

But, I just wanted to pop in and let you all know how happy I am for each of you!

God is doing a lot in my heart (which can be a wee bit painful), but that topic will all have to wait for later on this week. There is a lot swirling around in my head that I will post about in the next few days, but in this moment my little, tired heart needs a rest. For now, we celebrate all the excitement around the blogosphere!

One more day of Spring Break left - thank you, Lord (as in- thank you that I get Monday off, not thank you that it's almost time to go back!)!

Here goes nothing...

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

We are off to the beach for a little R & R!

Hope you all have a great week!

10 Things About My Better Half

                                                                                 1. 

When I was 17 and a senior in high school, I had a major crush on a tall, skinny sophomore. I used to force my girlfriends to drive by his house on a regular basis just to see if we (ok, if I) could catch a glimpse of him. (Scary Stalker, anyone?)

This brought on a great amount of teasing from said friends, but I don't know if it was the drive-by's or the fact that he was so much younger.

I guess it all worked itself out!

2. 

When I was hope on a break from college, I invited him out with me and a few of my friends. He stood me up. I still have him apologizing about it to this day.

3. 

We spent several months hanging out together before he asked me on a "real date". When he did, I was a little nervous and even made my sister R help me pick out an outfit (what am I, 5?). 

 We haven't been apart since.

4. 

He proposed to me after a year of dating on the side of the highway in Alabama while we were stuck in a rainstorm.

(Would that make our song "Sweet Home Alabama"?)

5. 

I thought that January 12th, 2008 would be the single most joyful day of my life. While it was one of the best, it seems to have only gotten better since then.

6. 

He wakes me up every morning with a cup of coffee in hand (while reminding me to take my temp).

7.

He introduced me to Words.with.friends on our iPh.one and he is probably sorry he did. Not just because I am a fierce player, but because now instead of sitting and watching television together, I make him sit and play against me.

8. 

He leaves me post it notes when he goes away on business- in the medicine cabinet, under my pillow, in the coffee container (since I have to make my own coffee when he is gone. Poor me.)

9. 

He is the most caring and patient man I have ever met. Ever. He is clearly the man that God handpicked for me and I don't know of another man who could put up with the level of crazy that I exhibit on a daily basis.

10. 

I am the luckiest. Period.

 

Tell us 10 interesting facts about you and your better half--either in the comments or over on your own blog!

And be sure to head over and visit pretty Betty Beguiles for more stories of awesome men!

A little Lenten listen...

You ladies have to check this video out.

This was sent to me by one of my students' parents. It is a great reflection on the Crucifixion and the woman singing has a great voice to boot! She gives a little intro at the beginning of the video, but I promise it is worth the wait!

Just Checking In

Just wanted to check in and let my prayer buddy (I know you don't know who you are, but just in case you do!) know that I am praying for her and also to thank my prayer buddy for her prayers- I know that is what is getting me through the last few weeks.

Grandpa J is still hanging in there. We spent most of the last week and weekend taking care of Grandma, so that she can take care of him. It has been amazing to watch the way that Grandma takes care of her husband of 63 years with such love and compassion- talk about living out your wedding vows. I am so grateful for the gift that Grandpa J has been to my life, and so incredibly grateful that I have had numerous opportunities to say goodbye.

As far as IF goes, I am in a weird place. So much to say, not ready for it to be permanent in cyberspace. As my mama says- "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." So, I will hold my tongue until I am not quite as raw.  My husband and I are alive and totally in love, but our hearts are still breaking. We are trying to live out (though not always gracefully) my word of the year: "embrace."

Our adoption is at a stand still right now, so there isn't much going on there. As excited as we are about the possibility of adoption (and we are so very ecstatic and feel so very blessed!), it doesn't totally heal everything else that is going on in the reproductive arena (and I think that a lot of people think it does. But then, a lot of people think IF ladies are crying because they just want a baby...not really the whole story. Another post for another time.)

My (handsome!) husband and I are in the middle of trying to make some drastic decisions for our family, so prayer buddy...you know the drill- I am a needy woman in need of prayers.

So, because I don't have kids, or a baby bump, or positive pee sticks to post pictures of (said with a smile! We all know those are best pics!), I will leave you with a few pictures of my (not-so) cute dogs.

On trust

Warning: This is all over the place, which is what I get for not posting for over a week!

Well, it has been a long week around here. Isn't it summer break, yet? No? Well, ok...it has to be coming soon! It is finally getting warm in the land of the flowing sweet tea, and all too soon we will be begging for the winter to show up again!

Mr. Henderson and I completed all of our paperwork/interviews/homevisits for our homestudy, so now we are just waiting for our little blessing- one way or another. Hey- maybe the homestudy will bring about a pregnancy, you just never know!

The baby that we were offered this coming week didn't work out for us to adopt. It was all too fast and our homestudy wasn't ready in time. We are disappointed, but we are trying to trust that God has led us down this path for a reason. I won't lie- I am kinda sick of this blind trust crap. I can honestly say that in the midst of all of the chaos of this adoption business, there has been total peace. I am sure that I have a pretty amazing prayer buddy praying for me! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

In other news: I also finally got a big girl phone! It was a pretty exciting day in the Henderson house. I mean, I just got a camera phone a year ago, so I am movin' on up! Exhibit A:


Please excuse the hair. I know I bring shame to the Southern ladies, but the windows HAD.TO.BE.DOWN in the car!



Also, my amazing husband gave me a belated birthday present today.  Check this out:

His grandfather taught him out to make stained glass windows and this was his first project.

How amazing is that?

If you have a few spare prayers, please pray for Grandpa J. He is nearing the end of his earthly life and it has been a rough few weeks (years, really) for him. He is such an amazing man and my life has been so incredibly blessed by his. He is the only grandfather I have ever known, so he is pretty special to me. He was very insistant that Mr. Henderson finish up that window while he was still with us, so Mr. Henderson has been working hard the last few weeks under Grandpa's supervision to not only honor me, but also to honor Grandpa.

Regarding trust- Yeah...I am probably not one that would be a credible source for that topic. You see, I am great at trusting certain people- my husband, my parents and siblings, my friends, even my doctors. Maybe even sometimes to a fault. 

I just really fail when it comes to trusting the Lord. Why is that?

That is what I am praying this Lent will teach me.

I want to be more like Abram from tomorrow's first reading- trusting his God enough that he will leave everything he knows, go out into the unknown, and TRUST.

And what does God do in return? He makes of him a great nation and blesses him. He makes Abram a blessing.

Why? Because Abram went as the Lord directed him. Abram probably didn't like it, but he did as he was told.

Sound familiar?

I am praying that this Easter will be an Easter filled with joy, even if all that I learn is to trust God enough to go where He is leading me.

Prayer Buddy- please know that I pray for you daily by name, that the Lord is pouring His peace out on you and your husband.