The Good News is...

...this road leads to Glory. One way or another.

Right?

right.

Putting on my Big Girl Pants

I apologize to my four readers for being MIA the last week and a half.

My life is crazy right now!

I wanted my next posted to be non-IF related, but that seems to be my life right now.

I am so tired- so very, very tired of worrying and being heartbroken. I am so exhausted from living in fear that this will be my life forever. I feel like my head is being held underwater and I can’t come up for air. I feel like I can’t scream loud enough, hit hard enough, punch a whole in the wall big enough to express my heart right now.

It hurts- so badly.

But- I am putting my big girl pants on and I am going to deal with it.

I am about to do another round of medications (clo.mid, foll.istim, and h.CG) and intense monitoring to see if I can grow some good eggs. And then I will wait and see if it was a total waste of $1000+. I am so hoping that it won’t be. I can’t believe that people can actually get pregnant for free- that must be amazing.

I have to have hope. I don’t know if there is any left in me, but I have to muster up what I can find. My mom tells me that she has enough for both of us, so I guess that will do.

I am sorry for the downer post. Tomorrow I will post pictures of my bedroom makeover and the cute little jumpers that I was hired to sew for some friends!

Woo Hoo...It's Friday!

Things that are makin' me happy:

      -         My husband who adores me even when I am acting like a little baby

-         a clean house

-         Walking to the car in the morning a feeling a little chill

-         Fresh flowers

-         A sweet tea (it makes me feel like I can conquer the world!)

-         My nephew, H, who runs and jumps into my husbands arms every time he sees him.

-         The same nephew who asks Jesus every day “to put a baby in my aunt’s belly”

-         My niece, I, who sucks her little thumb until it is raw and red

-         Being asked to be a confirmation sponsor for two of my students

-         My husband walking in with a handsome haircut when I didn’t even know he was getting one

-         Fridays (I live for Friday’s!!)

-         Having friends over for dinner

-         My Boston Terriers

-         Having a sister and sister-in-laws who invite me to be a part of their children’s lives

-         Sewing

-         Not being on Face.book (oh, the freedom that has brought me!)

-         Purchasing tickets to Utah to see my brother and sister-in-law over Thanksgiving

-         Having my lesson plans/copies already made for next week

-         Clean Sheets

-         My pumpkin candle on my table

-         Keeping my nephews for the weekend (Are you seeing a theme here?)

What’s making you happy today?

My Bronze Serpent

The Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross

With their patience worn out by the journey, the people complained against God and Moses,
"Why have you brought us up from Egypt to die in this desert, where there is no food or water? We are disgusted with this wretched food!"

In punishment the LORD sent among the people saraph serpents, which bit the people so that many of them died.
Then the people came to Moses and said, "We have sinned in complaining against the LORD and you. Pray the LORD to take the serpents from us."
So Moses prayed for the people, and the LORD said to Moses, "Make a saraph and mount it on a pole, and if any who have been bitten look at it, they will live."
Moses accordingly made a bronze serpent and mounted it on a pole, and whenever anyone who had been bitten by a serpent  looked at the bronze serpent, he lived".

The people are tired, exhausted, frustrated from their long journey and they complain. I can relate to that.
They question why. I can relate to that also.

 And then they are punished- bitten by the serpent and many died. Death. Pain. Fear. They go to Moses and beg him to ask the Lord to spare them from this death and pain that the serpents bring.

The response from the Lord: for Moses to make a bronze serpent and mount it to a pole for the people to gaze upon. After they had been bitten by the serpent, if they but gazed upon this bronze serpent that was mounted on the pole, they would live.

I guess I find it interesting that the Lord chose not to spare them from the pain of the serpents, but he asks them but to look upon the very thing that was causing death, fear, panic, anxiety- to just look upon it and there they would find life.

I am sure that this is what the Lord asks of each of us in each of our own lives – to take that which is robbing us of our joy, our lives, and our peace and to put it on the Cross with Him and then to gaze upon it. It is in the midst of looking there that we will find life.

That is the part I stink at – finding life in the midst of our sufferings. I am not good at that at all. I feel like my sufferings seem to consume me these days and I find myself being bitter, angry, and resentful.

 My hope is that by blogging I can learn from those around me who have the same struggles, because I feel like my husband and I are alone in real life (though I know we are not- we have incredibly supportive families standing with us). I want this to be a place where I can find the positives within the negatives (this means a happy post tomorrow!). I want to have joy again. I want to make peace with the cards I have been dealt. I want to find the strength to fight this battle. I want to learn to find life in the midst of my sufferings. I don’t feel like I have enough faith or trust to do that. Which is probably why God is calling me to start right there – with discovering life in the midst of pain and fear.

A Greater "Yes"

Almost three years ago, on a beautiful winter afternoon, my dad walked me down the aisle to give me away to the man who captured my heart. On that day, we stood before our family and friends and made a covenant with God and each other that we would walk with each other "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health".
I distinctly recall the moment that we were asked if we would "accept children lovingly from God". My answer came in the form of a little chuckle, barely getting out the "We Do."
I remember having two thoughts at that moment. First, that this was the beginning of what I had always dreamed of in life. The beginning of my precious family- me, my husband, and my multitude of children. I remember thinking that I was finally at that place that I had always felt created to be- a wife and then a mother.  My second thought was "Lord, please send them (children) slow and steady! We don't want them all at one time!"
Oh, to have the moment back. Oh, to not have been so naive as to think that it would just happen like that.
I never imagined that this would be my path. Our path.
I adore my husband. He walks this path right next to me, and he does so heroically. This is our path. Together.
I assumed that the first three years of our marriage would be filled with crying children, I just never assumed that the crying child would be me. I assumed that I would be kept up at night tending to a child that needed its mother, I never assumed that I would be the one who spent my evenings crying out to my Father.
It's funny how infertility affects you. I used to go to weddings and be in awe of the love of the couple, the beauty of the dress, the amazement of the covenant. I participated in the wedding of one of my dearest friends this summer, and spent the entire time praying for one thing: their fertility. I begged God, with tears in my eyes, that He would spare them the pain I've felt for the past two and a half years, that their hearts would never ache because of the emptiness that infertility brings. I can't wait to meet their child next April - an answer to the prayer I offered on their wedding day.
I have faith that infertility will not be my life forever. That one day my months will no longer be counted in cycle days and baby shower announcements won't induce a raging panic attack. I have faith that one day baby bumps will not send me into a deep dark hole and that friends will no longer avoid you for fear of you dropping the "I" bomb. No, I do not believe that this will be life forever. This is just a season.
I believe that God's "no" to me and my husband means that He has a greater "yes" for us right now. 
A greater "yes"- Can you imagine?

10 Surprising Things about me!

Thanks to  A Complicated Life for tagging me!

I'm so new to the blogosphere, anything I write about myself will be surprising. So, here goes...

1. My favorite thing to eat for lunch is peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwiches. What am I, three?

2. I have serious test taking anxiety. I do fine in the end, but OH.MY.GOSH do I get nervous.

3. I have kissed Pope Benedict's ring...twice. I have pictures to prove it!

4. I love to sit in silence, drive in silence, just be silent. You would never guess that by how much I talk.

5. I have been blog stalking for almost a year, but this is only my second day of "being out". I started reading All You Who Hope when I desperately needed to hear other Catholic IF stories. Thank you, AYWH for your openness and honesty.

6. I totally had a crush on my husband when we were in high school. I was a senior, he was a sophomore. I know, I robbed the cradle!

7. I am one of eight children. I loved (love) every second of being part of a large family and I am so grateful for my seven best friends.

8. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to love my own children as much as I love my nieces and nephews. I know this sounds crazy, but I do worry about it sometimes!

9. I have a dog named Kevin.

10. I invited George W. Bush and Nancy Grace to my wedding. (It's southern etiquette, y'all!) Neither RVSP'd- I think their mothers would disapprove.


I think tagging 5 people is the hardest part. I would tag all 5 of my readers, but I think only two of them haven't done this yet!!

1. Leila at Little Catholic Bubble

2. Rachel at Testosterhome

Where is the balance?

Thank you for all of your kind words. It feels so freeing to have a place to share what is going on in my heart and in my head. And to give my sweet husband a break from carrying ALL of the emotional weight that goes along with this ride.

Faith and Family just posted a blog here about infertility.

They want to know what those of us struggling with infertility need from those who are not. How can they comfort us? What is the best thing to say to people are in the throws of this difficult journey?

While we certainly understand that they are entitled to be happy/tired/frustrated about pregnancy/parenting, we also need sensitivity and compassion as we walk our journey. We are entitled to be scared/angry/frustrated about infertility. Where is the balance? How does it work?

I totally believe that women should feel free to be totally overjoyed about their pregnancies-my pain shouldn’t diminish her joy, but is about being sensitive to each other in our different situations.

So, what say you? Thoughts?

This is our story...

I have hesitated to write this- our first post.
I have hesitated out of laziness, out of pride, but I have hesitated mostly out of fear.
To write our story is to acknowledge that it is real, that this is the road God has chosen for us.

I have been a blog stalker for several months. I have witnessed so many miracles take place in the lives of these bloggers, because of the power of prayer. I want to be a part of these stories.

My husband and I have been married for two and a half wonderful years. We have been praying for the blessing of a child in our life for the past two. I still can't believe that this is our story. I know that there are so many people who have been struggling for so much longer than two years, but I always just assumed I would have no problems. We had a very early miscarrage in the months following our wedding, but we have not been able to conceive again.

So this is our story. Day 760 of waiting for our miracle. Day 760 of feeling like our world has fallen out from under us, but trying to be found in him, still standing.