A Greater "Yes"

I actually wrote this post last fall, but I wanted to repost it because my heart needed the reminder. I was telling a friend last night that I might seem like I am holding it together, most days I am not. I usually don't post on my worst days because, let's be honest- it is nasty! So today, as my anxiety levels are beginning to rise and my hope is continuing to wane, I needed a reminder that God does have a plan. I don't understand it, to be honest- I don't even like it right now, but I have to trust that He has one.

Three and a half years ago, on a beautiful winter afternoon, my dad walked me down the aisle to give me away to the man who captured my heart. On that day, we stood before our family and friends and made a covenant with God and each other that we would walk with each other "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health".

I distinctly recall the moment that we were asked if we would "accept children lovingly from God". My answer came in the form of a little chuckle, barely getting out the "We Do."

I remember having two thoughts at that moment. First, that this was the beginning of what I had always dreamed of in life. The beginning of my precious family- me, my husband, and my multitude of children. I remember thinking that I was finally at that place that I had always felt created to be- a wife and then a mother.  My second thought was "Lord, please send them (children) slow and steady! We don't want them all at one time!"

Oh, to have the moment back. Oh, to not have been so naive as to think that it would just happen like that.

I never imagined that this would be my path. Our path.

I adore my husband. He walks this path right next to me, and he does so heroically. This is our path. Together.

I assumed that the first three years of our marriage would be filled with crying children, I just never assumed that the crying child would be me. I assumed that I would be kept up at night tending to a child that needed its mother, I never assumed that I would be the one who spent my evenings crying out to my Father.

It's funny how infertility affects you. I used to go to weddings and be in awe of the love of the couple, the beauty of the dress, the amazement of the covenant. Oh, how this has changed me. I participated in the wedding of one of my dearest friends last summer, and spent the entire time praying for one thing: their fertility. I begged God, with tears in my eyes, that He would spare them the pain I've felt for the past three and a half years, that their hearts would never ache because of the emptiness that infertility brings. Last month, I got to hold their answer to my prayer on their wedding day in my arms. I held a tangible reminder that God, does in fact, answer prayers and I am waiting with expectant hope for the day I can hold my own baby in my arms- the answer to the prayers so many have lifted up for us. (Here is a shameless plug: Pray for your local infertiles!)

I have faith that infertility will not be my life forever. That one day my months will no longer be counted in cycle days and baby shower announcements won't induce a raging panic attack. I have faith that one day baby bumps will not send me into a deep dark hole and that friends will no longer avoid you for fear of you dropping the "I" bomb and discussing how badly your heart is breaking. That one day people discussing how they would like to try for number __ won't leave me feeling like I need to ask for an oxygen mask. No, I do not believe that this will be life forever. This is just a season.
I believe that God's "no" to me and my husband means that He has a greater "yes" for us right now. 
A greater "yes"- Can you imagine?

Lord of everything? I'm working on it.

Oh, Holy Week…I am so very glad that you are finally here!

I won’t lie, I feel like I am one of the few Catholic IF ladies that is still standing in the midst of holy week. So many of our bloggie ladies in this Catholic IF land are embracing their Easter already, and for that we all have to rejoice! I mean, we all join this little community praying that we each get to crossover into the land of motherhood- it would stink if we all stayed IF forever! I am so excited for each of you, but also what it means for the rest of us- that God is faithful to answering prayers!

I was thinking about the image of us all being part of a huge ship, all sailing in the infertile waters. And while our original ship was once full of passengers, it seems as if many have jumped that ship and settled into a new one. We are all still sailing on those same waters, just in different boats. I will gladly jump this ship as soon as God allows it, but I do hate the thought of leaving others behind.

Mr. H and I have been talking a lot about what in the world (not in those nice words) God is trying to teach us with all of this. I am so very tired from running this race…emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have had a few people tell me that infertility is one of their greatest fears, yeah…me too. But, I don’t have any other choice then to keep going.

We came to the realization that God has to be the Lord of every aspect of our life- including our fertility (even if it meant taking more kids then we had planned!). I don’t think that means you just sit back and enjoy the ride- no, I think that God allows us (and wants us) to take an active part in all of this, but that ultimately He must be the Lord of everything.

I realized that the last few years have been about God being the Lord of my life and me being the Lord of my reproductive life. And, we all know, you can’t be both servant and master. He has to be the Lord of all of it, or else He isn’t the Lord of any of it. This probably doesn’t make sense- I am rambling!

Anyways- we have committed to trying to allow him to be the Lord of it all, including the building of our family. That does not mean that infertility will not continue to hurt like hell, it doesn’t mean that the smile on my face when people talk about “trying soon for a baby” or “when the next one comes” will no longer be hiding my breaking heart. No, it just means that I am trying to accept this cross until it can be traded in for my crown. I know that the pain of the cross will make the joy of the crown that much more beautiful (and appreciated!).

I am trying to meditate on the words of this song (sung by the beautiful Aud.rey Assa.d no less!), which say “Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen.”
I know that God promises something far more beautiful for each of us than we could have ever imagined, so I am trying to trust in that promise.

Our Easter is on its way!

Just Checking In

Just wanted to check in and let my prayer buddy (I know you don't know who you are, but just in case you do!) know that I am praying for her and also to thank my prayer buddy for her prayers- I know that is what is getting me through the last few weeks.

Grandpa J is still hanging in there. We spent most of the last week and weekend taking care of Grandma, so that she can take care of him. It has been amazing to watch the way that Grandma takes care of her husband of 63 years with such love and compassion- talk about living out your wedding vows. I am so grateful for the gift that Grandpa J has been to my life, and so incredibly grateful that I have had numerous opportunities to say goodbye.

As far as IF goes, I am in a weird place. So much to say, not ready for it to be permanent in cyberspace. As my mama says- "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." So, I will hold my tongue until I am not quite as raw.  My husband and I are alive and totally in love, but our hearts are still breaking. We are trying to live out (though not always gracefully) my word of the year: "embrace."

Our adoption is at a stand still right now, so there isn't much going on there. As excited as we are about the possibility of adoption (and we are so very ecstatic and feel so very blessed!), it doesn't totally heal everything else that is going on in the reproductive arena (and I think that a lot of people think it does. But then, a lot of people think IF ladies are crying because they just want a baby...not really the whole story. Another post for another time.)

My (handsome!) husband and I are in the middle of trying to make some drastic decisions for our family, so prayer buddy...you know the drill- I am a needy woman in need of prayers.

So, because I don't have kids, or a baby bump, or positive pee sticks to post pictures of (said with a smile! We all know those are best pics!), I will leave you with a few pictures of my (not-so) cute dogs.

Pregnancy Tickers

Following in the footsteps of these pretty ladies, I wanted to share just a smidge about my heart in relation to pregnancy announcements.

I was just telling my (very.handsome) husband the other day that pregnancy announcements are usually a conflicting feeling for me. I, like most of you awesome bloggers, are so overjoyed/happy/relieved/excited for those who conceive. How could I possibly be upset with them that they have received the very thing I pray so hard for? That would be bratty of me (rest assured that I definitely have my bratty moments).

That excitement in their news is tempered with the pain in my heart. That God-awful, gut-wrenching, I-don’t-know-how-much-more-I-can-take pain that comes along in walking the IF road. The road that you would never invite someone to walk along with you, but would surely appreciate it if people stop telling you to enjoy that walk and to relax, that God has a plan. Noted. Thanks.

That excitement for me turns into a little pregnancy ticker, only my ticker doesn’t count down to baby. My ticker goes the opposite way. I feel like while Mama’s ticker tells her, Baby is the size of a lemon!  or Time to install the carseat, baby is almost here!, my ticker is moving in the opposite direction, adding up exactly how many days my heart has been breaking over the last three years (compliments of Satan himself). You find out baby is here and then it hits you- Yes, it really has been nine.more.months.

When the baby is born I always rejoice, how could you not? A baby. A precious, little, eternal soul. How wonderful! But, my heart breaks a little at the same time, because for those of us on this side of things, it is another reminder. Another little ticker that is telling us how long we have been waiting, like any of us need any helping remembering that (it has been 936 days for us, but who’s counting?).

Our desire to be mothers is not a selfish one, it is a noble desire, woven deep into the fibers of who God created us to be. Yet at the same time, I also realize that we have no choice but to embrace it. I know that in this suffering, God is bringing me closer to where He wants me. I know that this road will lead me to exactly what He has for me. But man, if it doesn’t hurt most days.

"God said...And so it happened."

First things first- congratulations to Kaitlin on the birth of  baby Hannah! It is always so amazing to see answered prayers in the form of a new baby's face! Congrats, Mama!


There was something about the first reading from Mass today that really struck a chord with me. The reading was the beginning of the creation story from Genesis- God creating the heavens and the earth, the light and the darkness- all of these created from nothing. Absolute nothingness.


Sometimes I get so caught up in the details of how? why? when?
I need to remember that if God can/did/loves to create the entire world and everything it's made up of out of nothing, then surely He can take my nothingness and bring forth life. Surely.


Maybe I should start giving Him a little more credit.

If these walls could talk...

...what story would they tell about your life?

The other day we had someone at our house trying to fix our internet. As I was showing him to the computer, I spotted the book that my husband and I read from each night called "Moments for Couples. Who Long for Children" (I highly recommend this book!).

All of the sudden, I could feel my cheeks turn red, as if my dirty little secret was out! I started to laugh when I realized that everywhere I turned you could have drawn the same conclusion! I had to laugh a little. Here is what I mean:

Book on the dining room table.

Prayers above my kitchen sink

Sharps container in the bathroom

Files in the office

Do you really need an explanation?

Where do we go from here?

I have neglected this blog for far too long and my husband says it is time- Time for me to get back to this therapy that has been so good for me.

Life is good. Heartbreaking at times, but good.

I finally had my post-op appointment last week and got pretty good news all around. The growth was nothing more than a large, intrauterine polyp (why do I feel inappropriate sharing that with everyone?). My doctor doesn’t know how long it has been there, because I didn’t have the specialized SIS ultrasound until they suspected a blood clot. He does know that it would have impeded implantation, so it had to go in order to move forward.

And while all of this sounds hopeful and exciting, we actually told my wonderful doctor that we needed a break from the intense monitoring and appointments. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially- we needed a break.

It makes my stomach churn to some degree to think about having to wait even longer, but it was necessary. I still cannot believe we are dealing with all of this. I have a few choice words to describe what goes through my mind when I think about it, but my mother would wash my mouth out with soap.

BUT, a little bit of goodness in all of it- I did get to start meeting with my Creighton practitioner, who is AWESOME, just to look over my charts and make sure I still know what I am doing. I jokingly told her I should give talks at the engaged weekends here - NFP works awesome, y’all!!! Look at me go!

Mr. Henderson and I are contemplating trying to get in to Omaha over my teaching break this summer. I am planning on sending everything in for a consultation from Dr. Hil.gers, but I don’t really know where to go from there. Any suggestions from you pros?

I know that the Na.Pro stuff is intense also, so I am trying to gear up for that! I told my husband the other day that I am ready for something new- for something that will bring me some hope. I want to be one of the girls who is stressing out about what to name my baby, not one of the girls stressing about how to get a baby. I mean, I would name it “Male Henderson” or “Female Henderson” if I had to, just send me one! (My friend, K, keeps threatening to steal that name from me, since all my other names keep getting swiped!). I know...waaaah, waaaah to me.

Anyways, onward and upward.

In the midst of it all, God is faithful. I have an unbelievable husband who is so very good to me. I have a family that is more supportive than I probably deserve. I have friends, here and in real life, close by and far away, who are praying for us and rooting for us. And I have a God who loves me more than I often give Him credit for, even in the midst of my little girl temper-tantrums.

Alive and kickin'

Oh my, has this been a whirlwind week. There is so much that I can (and will!) catch you up on, but for now I wanted to leave you with an excerpt from an article my sister sent me.

It was the dose of hope that I needed. For those who are still waiting on your miracle (regardess of what you are waiting on), you must check this out. 

I thought it was so profound and so beautiful when the author said "I can – without seeing – love my children, bless them, and expect them. My first act as mother – to release them to God’s timing. All In God’s Timing...To be grouped in with women such as Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth and others is an honor."

It made my heart skip a beat. Go check it out here. And then come back and see me tomorrow, when I will fill you in on life in la casa de henderson.

The Fire

            In my science class right now, I am teaching the kids about the process that metals go through to become pure.

It is rare in nature to find metals in their purest form. Gold, copper, iron- these metals all have to go through some sort of refining process to bring them to their valuable state. Refining is a process by which everything else is removed and only the pure metal remains.

I can’t help but relate that to my life right now. I know scripture promises that God wants us purified, not destroyed. I am trying to remain hopeful that this method of purification won’t last forever. That a few years (or hopefully months? Please God!) from now, I will look back on this time and realize that it made me who God wanted me to be.

Do I wish that my method of purification was different right now? Maybe that my fire was that of crying children, piles of laundry, sleepless nights? Yes. But, that is not the way it is right now. Instead, this is where God has me. This is where he is making me the valuable being that He wants me to be.

So, for now, I embrace it. Or at least try to.

Embrace...

This is my word for this next year of my life.

I have been dreading this day for months now, mostly because I have felt like I haven’t even started to accomplish the dream I had for my life. I know this sounds crazy, but welcome to my heart. One of my best friends told me last night that I just needed to embrace my life and I believe she is totally right. I told her that my word for this year had already been decided upon- embrace.

I want to embrace where God has me standing right now. While it may seem like the pit of hell right now, I see the fruits that come from it on a daily basis (not always clearly, but they are there!).

I want to embrace the great things that God HAS given me - an unbelievable husband, a wonderful family, and some great friends (not to mention my amazing blogosphere of support). He provides for all of my needs, so I really shouldn’t complain.

I want to embrace whatever God has for me in this next year of life, because I know that it is far better than I could imagine.

My birthday wish- that this year I might also embrace my first born (a girl can dream! There is an intention for my prayer buddy! )

Mom and Dad- Thank you for the gift of life. Your openness to life not only gave me life, but also gave me seven of the most wonderful gifts in my life.

Prayer buddy- I am sending special prayers your way this day, that the Lord would abundantly bless you.