Lord of everything? I'm working on it.

Oh, Holy Week…I am so very glad that you are finally here!

I won’t lie, I feel like I am one of the few Catholic IF ladies that is still standing in the midst of holy week. So many of our bloggie ladies in this Catholic IF land are embracing their Easter already, and for that we all have to rejoice! I mean, we all join this little community praying that we each get to crossover into the land of motherhood- it would stink if we all stayed IF forever! I am so excited for each of you, but also what it means for the rest of us- that God is faithful to answering prayers!

I was thinking about the image of us all being part of a huge ship, all sailing in the infertile waters. And while our original ship was once full of passengers, it seems as if many have jumped that ship and settled into a new one. We are all still sailing on those same waters, just in different boats. I will gladly jump this ship as soon as God allows it, but I do hate the thought of leaving others behind.

Mr. H and I have been talking a lot about what in the world (not in those nice words) God is trying to teach us with all of this. I am so very tired from running this race…emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have had a few people tell me that infertility is one of their greatest fears, yeah…me too. But, I don’t have any other choice then to keep going.

We came to the realization that God has to be the Lord of every aspect of our life- including our fertility (even if it meant taking more kids then we had planned!). I don’t think that means you just sit back and enjoy the ride- no, I think that God allows us (and wants us) to take an active part in all of this, but that ultimately He must be the Lord of everything.

I realized that the last few years have been about God being the Lord of my life and me being the Lord of my reproductive life. And, we all know, you can’t be both servant and master. He has to be the Lord of all of it, or else He isn’t the Lord of any of it. This probably doesn’t make sense- I am rambling!

Anyways- we have committed to trying to allow him to be the Lord of it all, including the building of our family. That does not mean that infertility will not continue to hurt like hell, it doesn’t mean that the smile on my face when people talk about “trying soon for a baby” or “when the next one comes” will no longer be hiding my breaking heart. No, it just means that I am trying to accept this cross until it can be traded in for my crown. I know that the pain of the cross will make the joy of the crown that much more beautiful (and appreciated!).

I am trying to meditate on the words of this song (sung by the beautiful Aud.rey Assa.d no less!), which say “Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen.”
I know that God promises something far more beautiful for each of us than we could have ever imagined, so I am trying to trust in that promise.

Our Easter is on its way!