Following in the footsteps of these pretty ladies, I wanted to share just a smidge about my heart in relation to pregnancy announcements.
I was just telling my (very.handsome) husband the other day that pregnancy announcements are usually a conflicting feeling for me. I, like most of you awesome bloggers, are so overjoyed/happy/relieved/excited for those who conceive. How could I possibly be upset with them that they have received the very thing I pray so hard for? That would be bratty of me (rest assured that I definitely have my bratty moments).
That excitement in their news is tempered with the pain in my heart. That God-awful, gut-wrenching, I-don’t-know-how-much-more-I-can-take pain that comes along in walking the IF road. The road that you would never invite someone to walk along with you, but would surely appreciate it if people stop telling you to enjoy that walk and to relax, that God has a plan. Noted. Thanks.
That excitement for me turns into a little pregnancy ticker, only my ticker doesn’t count down to baby. My ticker goes the opposite way. I feel like while Mama’s ticker tells her, Baby is the size of a lemon! or Time to install the carseat, baby is almost here!, my ticker is moving in the opposite direction, adding up exactly how many days my heart has been breaking over the last three years (compliments of Satan himself). You find out baby is here and then it hits you- Yes, it really has been nine.more.months.
When the baby is born I always rejoice, how could you not? A baby. A precious, little, eternal soul. How wonderful! But, my heart breaks a little at the same time, because for those of us on this side of things, it is another reminder. Another little ticker that is telling us how long we have been waiting, like any of us need any helping remembering that (it has been 936 days for us, but who’s counting?).
Our desire to be mothers is not a selfish one, it is a noble desire, woven deep into the fibers of who God created us to be. Yet at the same time, I also realize that we have no choice but to embrace it. I know that in this suffering, God is bringing me closer to where He wants me. I know that this road will lead me to exactly what He has for me. But man, if it doesn’t hurt most days.
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed your post and I'm praying for you. Thanks for reminding me that sufferring leads us closer to God. I often forget in the moment.
ReplyDeleteI found your site through your sister Testerohome and faithandfamily. I have been praying for your intention and wanting to light a candle at the Our Lady of Leche shrine if I ever get up to St. Augustine. I have 4 little ones 6 and under and in the craziness it is hard to remember the tears I had thinking we would not be able to have children. I used to go 4-6 months without periods but never got a diagnosis. I remember the pain and you are so right it is not something you would want for anyone. We go to a different parish now but I still get a lump in my throat when I visit the old church and all the spots I prayed and begged for God to bless us. (ie. In the chapel, near the holy family statues, in the pew when it seemed like every pregnant woman was a mass going to receive communion, etc)
ReplyDeleteI haven't done anything too crazy. One great thing that we did one year was abstain from meat all Fridays for the year. It was something a bishop suggested to do and offer your intention for the prolife movement (it was at the mass before March for Life and I know that other Catholics around the world do that anyway). Anways it was a good sacrifice and really kept me conscious to pray for life.
Joanna from Florida
Beautiful Jo. Thanks for sharing so honestly from your heart. So many of us have not walked this path and it is good to know, to be sensitive, and also just a reminder to continue to pray.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
My goodness, this hit so close to home for me. This past week has been really difficult for me. A year ago this week I lost my sweet baby and alot of drama happened with my body. UGH. Lately I have been a faucet of tears, I swear! At the most random times. If I had anything to post, which I don't right now b.c I don't feel like it, I would post this exact same post. Hugs though friend. I liked the ending. That aspect does make me feel better!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing - I can definitely understand the feeling and please know you are in my prayers, Mrs. Henderson! Enjoy your very.handsome husband :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your post and being so honest. You basically summed up how I feel all the time. I am so thrilled for how God has blessed my friends, while simultaneously being heart-broked and jealous. My suffering is great. I appreciate your honesty, and thanks for giving a forum to relate to... one that has a wonderful Christian-woman perspective.
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