Just Checking In

Just wanted to check in and let my prayer buddy (I know you don't know who you are, but just in case you do!) know that I am praying for her and also to thank my prayer buddy for her prayers- I know that is what is getting me through the last few weeks.

Grandpa J is still hanging in there. We spent most of the last week and weekend taking care of Grandma, so that she can take care of him. It has been amazing to watch the way that Grandma takes care of her husband of 63 years with such love and compassion- talk about living out your wedding vows. I am so grateful for the gift that Grandpa J has been to my life, and so incredibly grateful that I have had numerous opportunities to say goodbye.

As far as IF goes, I am in a weird place. So much to say, not ready for it to be permanent in cyberspace. As my mama says- "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." So, I will hold my tongue until I am not quite as raw.  My husband and I are alive and totally in love, but our hearts are still breaking. We are trying to live out (though not always gracefully) my word of the year: "embrace."

Our adoption is at a stand still right now, so there isn't much going on there. As excited as we are about the possibility of adoption (and we are so very ecstatic and feel so very blessed!), it doesn't totally heal everything else that is going on in the reproductive arena (and I think that a lot of people think it does. But then, a lot of people think IF ladies are crying because they just want a baby...not really the whole story. Another post for another time.)

My (handsome!) husband and I are in the middle of trying to make some drastic decisions for our family, so prayer buddy...you know the drill- I am a needy woman in need of prayers.

So, because I don't have kids, or a baby bump, or positive pee sticks to post pictures of (said with a smile! We all know those are best pics!), I will leave you with a few pictures of my (not-so) cute dogs.

On trust

Warning: This is all over the place, which is what I get for not posting for over a week!

Well, it has been a long week around here. Isn't it summer break, yet? No? Well, ok...it has to be coming soon! It is finally getting warm in the land of the flowing sweet tea, and all too soon we will be begging for the winter to show up again!

Mr. Henderson and I completed all of our paperwork/interviews/homevisits for our homestudy, so now we are just waiting for our little blessing- one way or another. Hey- maybe the homestudy will bring about a pregnancy, you just never know!

The baby that we were offered this coming week didn't work out for us to adopt. It was all too fast and our homestudy wasn't ready in time. We are disappointed, but we are trying to trust that God has led us down this path for a reason. I won't lie- I am kinda sick of this blind trust crap. I can honestly say that in the midst of all of the chaos of this adoption business, there has been total peace. I am sure that I have a pretty amazing prayer buddy praying for me! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

In other news: I also finally got a big girl phone! It was a pretty exciting day in the Henderson house. I mean, I just got a camera phone a year ago, so I am movin' on up! Exhibit A:


Please excuse the hair. I know I bring shame to the Southern ladies, but the windows HAD.TO.BE.DOWN in the car!



Also, my amazing husband gave me a belated birthday present today.  Check this out:

His grandfather taught him out to make stained glass windows and this was his first project.

How amazing is that?

If you have a few spare prayers, please pray for Grandpa J. He is nearing the end of his earthly life and it has been a rough few weeks (years, really) for him. He is such an amazing man and my life has been so incredibly blessed by his. He is the only grandfather I have ever known, so he is pretty special to me. He was very insistant that Mr. Henderson finish up that window while he was still with us, so Mr. Henderson has been working hard the last few weeks under Grandpa's supervision to not only honor me, but also to honor Grandpa.

Regarding trust- Yeah...I am probably not one that would be a credible source for that topic. You see, I am great at trusting certain people- my husband, my parents and siblings, my friends, even my doctors. Maybe even sometimes to a fault. 

I just really fail when it comes to trusting the Lord. Why is that?

That is what I am praying this Lent will teach me.

I want to be more like Abram from tomorrow's first reading- trusting his God enough that he will leave everything he knows, go out into the unknown, and TRUST.

And what does God do in return? He makes of him a great nation and blesses him. He makes Abram a blessing.

Why? Because Abram went as the Lord directed him. Abram probably didn't like it, but he did as he was told.

Sound familiar?

I am praying that this Easter will be an Easter filled with joy, even if all that I learn is to trust God enough to go where He is leading me.

Prayer Buddy- please know that I pray for you daily by name, that the Lord is pouring His peace out on you and your husband.

Today, my choice is...

Lately, I have been trying to find the source of my anxiety. Why is it that one day I can feel totally at peace and courageous, and then the very next minute (or second, depending on the day) a bout of anxiety hits so hard that I feel like I can't breathe?

Yesterday, as my husband and I were driving through the middle of nowhere, it hit me- that nauseating wave of panic and fear, that reminds me of this struggle. I realized that I had allowed my mind to go to the what-ifs and the I-don't-knows, and that is where I lost it.

I wondered then why I can't be more quick to listen to the words of Scripture? Why can't I just trust? Trust that God really does have a plan. Trust that He has not abandoned us. Trust that this pain, that this suffering, is a gift.

When I think about the journey that is tomorrow - Will we be parents? Will this pain get easier one day? Will I ever make my husband a father, my mother a grandmother, my sister a godmother? I full-on panic and the joy is sucked right out of my little heart.

When I think about the journey gift that is today, I realize that I can make it. That today, I am alive, I am blessed, and I choose to trust. A peace in my heart. A hope for the future. And in the words of my good friend, Kate, that today- I choose to get out of the boat and start walking.

Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. ~ Matthew 6:34

This Sunday, I'm lovin'...

My Dad.

He was the first earthly man to love and protect me, and he set the bar high for my future husband (I totally scored!).
I live my life in awe of the way that he loves our Lord, my mom, each of us children, and every person he comes in contact with.

Dad, I love you and I am so very grateful for the gift that you are to me. I am one lucky lady!

My dad and my pretty Mama. Isn't his mustache the best?

Who are you lovin' this Sunday?

You, my friend, Maka me laugh...

I just ran across this picture on my computer and I laughed out loud.
This is my baby brother, all 6'4" of him, on his tiny little moped.

This picture was taken out of my car window, after Mr. Henderson and I spotted him in our rear view mirror. We were on the way home from Mr. Henry's baptism and he was riding right behind us, waving both hands in the air.

We love you, Z!

Pregnancy Tickers

Following in the footsteps of these pretty ladies, I wanted to share just a smidge about my heart in relation to pregnancy announcements.

I was just telling my (very.handsome) husband the other day that pregnancy announcements are usually a conflicting feeling for me. I, like most of you awesome bloggers, are so overjoyed/happy/relieved/excited for those who conceive. How could I possibly be upset with them that they have received the very thing I pray so hard for? That would be bratty of me (rest assured that I definitely have my bratty moments).

That excitement in their news is tempered with the pain in my heart. That God-awful, gut-wrenching, I-don’t-know-how-much-more-I-can-take pain that comes along in walking the IF road. The road that you would never invite someone to walk along with you, but would surely appreciate it if people stop telling you to enjoy that walk and to relax, that God has a plan. Noted. Thanks.

That excitement for me turns into a little pregnancy ticker, only my ticker doesn’t count down to baby. My ticker goes the opposite way. I feel like while Mama’s ticker tells her, Baby is the size of a lemon!  or Time to install the carseat, baby is almost here!, my ticker is moving in the opposite direction, adding up exactly how many days my heart has been breaking over the last three years (compliments of Satan himself). You find out baby is here and then it hits you- Yes, it really has been nine.more.months.

When the baby is born I always rejoice, how could you not? A baby. A precious, little, eternal soul. How wonderful! But, my heart breaks a little at the same time, because for those of us on this side of things, it is another reminder. Another little ticker that is telling us how long we have been waiting, like any of us need any helping remembering that (it has been 936 days for us, but who’s counting?).

Our desire to be mothers is not a selfish one, it is a noble desire, woven deep into the fibers of who God created us to be. Yet at the same time, I also realize that we have no choice but to embrace it. I know that in this suffering, God is bringing me closer to where He wants me. I know that this road will lead me to exactly what He has for me. But man, if it doesn’t hurt most days.

What are YOU giving up for Lent?

             I really don't mean to be so quiet over here, but the past few weeks have left my head spinning! I know that you aren't all waiting with baited breath for my next post, but I feel like I am ignoring myself not writing lately!
Life is good here is the big G-A. It is finally getting closer to spring (warm!), but with spring comes the second half of the school year craziness. Those of you who are teachers know what I am talking about! Can't.catch.my.breath. But, I can't complain. Life is good.


             I do have so much to say in the fertility arena, but I am waiting for the right time. This little break of being hyper focused on our fertility (I mean, minus the Creighton charting...that forces you to focus on it some!) has been so good for us, but it leaves me with less to say. Instead of focusing on fertility, I am trying to focus on not focusing on it. As you can see, it is a little intense. With that being said, I can tell you that God is about some good stuff.
Some good moments though- I got to spend all of last weekend with my sister-in-law, S, while our husbands were off camping, which was a real treat! This weekend we are off to Savannah this weekend for a few appointments- never a dull moment!


          Lately, I have been thinking about how to get my readers to delurk. I have had several emails from old friends from college and even people from my church tell me they are reading, so I am interested to hear who is out there! I think it is great- I wanted this to be my online testimony of God making good out of a really crappy situation...I would just love to know who is here reading and walking this journey with me? Come say Hi!

So, here is my question to you all- What is the craziest thing you have given up for lent (I went to Franciscan, where during any given lent you could find half a dorm sleeping on the floor of their rooms, having given up their beds for lent...I am not that good!)? If not crazy, what do you usually give up?


Happy Tuesday to you all! It's almost Friday!

Recessive Traits

So today in class I was teaching genetics to my 7th graders (which is one of my favorite things to teach!), when one of the girls raised her hand.

"Mrs. Henderson," she asked. "Is there a recessive trait that makes people not be able to have babies?"

 ....GUT PUNCHED...

I know that she knows nothing of my trials, so I didn't take it personally.
I was able to answer with a smile on my face, "Well, I sure hope not. That would be an awful trait to have, huh?"

Infertility still takes my breath away. It hurts. It stings. It is not right. It is not fair. It needs to go to hell. You would never wish it on your worst enemy, but then you wish that even your worst enemy might understand how much it really hurts like hell. Yes, there is some good that I am sure comes from it, but please, God- Take.It.Away.

 **I have taken some time away from the blogs a bit to regroup myself, but I am back!There is a lot going on in our world that I will tell you about when I can. I have been catching up on all of your awesome posts and I am praying for you all by name!

Every Little Bit

      As usual, things here are a bit crazy. That's how we do it in the south! I can't say much now, but I know that God is about some big biznazz...


      I am leaving tomorrow to go out of town for the rest of the week for an inservice for work...always a good time! At least I will be with all of my fun co-workers.


      I don't usually like to talk about money, but I have to say that when God wants something to happen..he makes it happen and the last few weeks He has been making a way.
     We here in the Henderson homestead are so grateful for the financial opportunities God is blessing us with these past few weeks that are going to help us with the trip to Omaha.  I have been hired to do a little bit of contract writing in my downtime (and we all know that teachers have LOTS 'O Down time...not!).
     On an awesome note, I went to pay for RE's office for a copy of my medical records (for Dr. H!!) and there was a little refund check waiting there for me that was left over from my surgery!
     I have also been asked to do a painting job this weekend, so that will be a little extra money for Omaha.


     So I think I am up to three full time jobs: teaching, being IF (we all know that is a full time job), and writing/painting/etc. Oh man, it will all be worth it in the end! I should hold a sign: Will work for baby!


Omaha, here we come (in another half a year!).

Sunday, Sunday

Oh, man...

All sorts of craziness up in this neck of the woods! I will update when I can.

I am excited to start the Lenten Prayer Buddies soon! It will be awesome to see what God does this lent in the blogging community (last year might be hard to beat!).

I hope you are all having a relaxing Sunday.

Peace!

Seeing the Face of God

This image was done by a close family friend of ours who died last month and was the prayer card at his funeral.


It is the image that is in my head on a daily basis as I beg before the Lord.


You know what is funny, he and his wife prayed for the blessing of children for 10 long years. I wonder if this is how he envisioned his wife before the Lord all those years. They were eventually blessed with four amazing sons (one of whom is a priest!). How awesome is that!


Isn't it beautiful?

"God said...And so it happened."

First things first- congratulations to Kaitlin on the birth of  baby Hannah! It is always so amazing to see answered prayers in the form of a new baby's face! Congrats, Mama!


There was something about the first reading from Mass today that really struck a chord with me. The reading was the beginning of the creation story from Genesis- God creating the heavens and the earth, the light and the darkness- all of these created from nothing. Absolute nothingness.


Sometimes I get so caught up in the details of how? why? when?
I need to remember that if God can/did/loves to create the entire world and everything it's made up of out of nothing, then surely He can take my nothingness and bring forth life. Surely.


Maybe I should start giving Him a little more credit.

If these walls could talk...

...what story would they tell about your life?

The other day we had someone at our house trying to fix our internet. As I was showing him to the computer, I spotted the book that my husband and I read from each night called "Moments for Couples. Who Long for Children" (I highly recommend this book!).

All of the sudden, I could feel my cheeks turn red, as if my dirty little secret was out! I started to laugh when I realized that everywhere I turned you could have drawn the same conclusion! I had to laugh a little. Here is what I mean:

Book on the dining room table.

Prayers above my kitchen sink

Sharps container in the bathroom

Files in the office

Do you really need an explanation?

Where do we go from here?

I have neglected this blog for far too long and my husband says it is time- Time for me to get back to this therapy that has been so good for me.

Life is good. Heartbreaking at times, but good.

I finally had my post-op appointment last week and got pretty good news all around. The growth was nothing more than a large, intrauterine polyp (why do I feel inappropriate sharing that with everyone?). My doctor doesn’t know how long it has been there, because I didn’t have the specialized SIS ultrasound until they suspected a blood clot. He does know that it would have impeded implantation, so it had to go in order to move forward.

And while all of this sounds hopeful and exciting, we actually told my wonderful doctor that we needed a break from the intense monitoring and appointments. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially- we needed a break.

It makes my stomach churn to some degree to think about having to wait even longer, but it was necessary. I still cannot believe we are dealing with all of this. I have a few choice words to describe what goes through my mind when I think about it, but my mother would wash my mouth out with soap.

BUT, a little bit of goodness in all of it- I did get to start meeting with my Creighton practitioner, who is AWESOME, just to look over my charts and make sure I still know what I am doing. I jokingly told her I should give talks at the engaged weekends here - NFP works awesome, y’all!!! Look at me go!

Mr. Henderson and I are contemplating trying to get in to Omaha over my teaching break this summer. I am planning on sending everything in for a consultation from Dr. Hil.gers, but I don’t really know where to go from there. Any suggestions from you pros?

I know that the Na.Pro stuff is intense also, so I am trying to gear up for that! I told my husband the other day that I am ready for something new- for something that will bring me some hope. I want to be one of the girls who is stressing out about what to name my baby, not one of the girls stressing about how to get a baby. I mean, I would name it “Male Henderson” or “Female Henderson” if I had to, just send me one! (My friend, K, keeps threatening to steal that name from me, since all my other names keep getting swiped!). I know...waaaah, waaaah to me.

Anyways, onward and upward.

In the midst of it all, God is faithful. I have an unbelievable husband who is so very good to me. I have a family that is more supportive than I probably deserve. I have friends, here and in real life, close by and far away, who are praying for us and rooting for us. And I have a God who loves me more than I often give Him credit for, even in the midst of my little girl temper-tantrums.