Today, my choice is...

Lately, I have been trying to find the source of my anxiety. Why is it that one day I can feel totally at peace and courageous, and then the very next minute (or second, depending on the day) a bout of anxiety hits so hard that I feel like I can't breathe?

Yesterday, as my husband and I were driving through the middle of nowhere, it hit me- that nauseating wave of panic and fear, that reminds me of this struggle. I realized that I had allowed my mind to go to the what-ifs and the I-don't-knows, and that is where I lost it.

I wondered then why I can't be more quick to listen to the words of Scripture? Why can't I just trust? Trust that God really does have a plan. Trust that He has not abandoned us. Trust that this pain, that this suffering, is a gift.

When I think about the journey that is tomorrow - Will we be parents? Will this pain get easier one day? Will I ever make my husband a father, my mother a grandmother, my sister a godmother? I full-on panic and the joy is sucked right out of my little heart.

When I think about the journey gift that is today, I realize that I can make it. That today, I am alive, I am blessed, and I choose to trust. A peace in my heart. A hope for the future. And in the words of my good friend, Kate, that today- I choose to get out of the boat and start walking.

Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. ~ Matthew 6:34