An Honest Post (Or as my sister would say- "Ah Lawdy...")

            Oh, the total meltdown.

Yep, I had mine the other day and God.Bless.my.husband.

I feel like I am in a place of total hopelessness. Yes, I can smile at everyone around me and say “Yes, God does have a perfect plan, doesn’t He?” or “Yep, in HIS perfect timing.” I can even try and ignore this loud voice that screams INFERTILE in my ear- every minute of every day. But, it is official- I am no longer carrying this cross gracefully.

I don’t know where to turn to next. I have spent thousands of dollars on appointments, ultrasounds, tests, and drugs, and I am no closer to being a mother.

I am praying that this Advent season brings me something. I am praying that the next year of my life brings me something. Anything – healing, the grace to keep going, anything. I am not holding my breath.

I know that I have such a blessed life, but my heart is so, so heavy.

Next week is a big birthday for me, and I.am.dreading.it. I just want time to stand still, for us to be able to find whatever the heck is wrong and fix it. Or, for me to miraculously wake up and realize that I will live without a child. To realize that no, Christmas and the nostalgia of the season will, in fact, not destroy me. That yes, people’s lives around us will be filled with joy and yes, I will continue to try and find happiness for them.

I knew I would fall apart at some point. I knew that I would hit a wall and no longer believe that maybe God is about some mighty work. That there would come a day when prayer just felt painful. That there would be a day when I would feel as though the world around me is being blessed in all sorts of ways, and we may remain stuck right here, suffering. I always knew there would come a day that my heart would have to deal with the gravity of my infertility. That I may never make my husband a father (though he feels differently*), or that I may never give my parents a grandchild. The reality that my womb might never be filled with life.

I know that there are so many different crosses that people carry. That for some, infertility might seem insignificant. But in my heart I feel like I am drowning and I can’t catch my breath. That someone is holding my head underwater and I can’t come up for air. This isn’t the end of the world, but my gosh, does it hurt.

One thing I am so grateful for is my marriage. I know that I am beyond blessed, and if I could take credit for my husband being mine, he would be my greatest accomplishment. There have been days that I honestly couldn't bear the thought of prayer, as I have often felt that God loves everyone more than He loves me, and on those days I could only cling to my husband. But, that is what marriage is all about – my husband points me right back to Jesus and reminds me daily that He (Jesus) loves me immensely.

I know I must continue to pray. I must continue to spend time before the Blessed Sacrament. Praying for others seems to bring more peace right now, so my prayer buddy is saturated in prayer this Advent!

In my mind, I know that God is faithful, and I know that He has a plan. But I am so ready for my heart to understand.

Prayer buddy, you have your work count out for you here!

 

A Heart Full of Thanks

I am sitting in my brother's living room in Salt Lake City, UT listening to he, my sister in law, and my husband play music, and my heart is happy. We are about to Sky.pe with my family back in GA. It is hilarious- my dad will set up a spot at their Thanksgiving meal and let us "sit" with them from the computer- it is comical.

I am grateful for so much this year.

I am grateful for my amazing husband- I am so incredibly blessed that he is mine. I feel as though I might be the luckiest woman in the world.

I am grateful for family. I am grateful for my mom's good report on her health, for every one of my five brothers, two sisters, five sister in laws, three brother in laws, my parents, my in laws, my two nieces, and my eight nephews.

I am grateful for the life of my new niece this year and my new niece/nephew to come in the next few weeks.

I am grateful for a job that I love.

I am grateful for my two bad dogs.

I am grateful for friends who love me and support me, even though I am a crazy woman.

I am grateful for the opportunity to travel and get away from the day to day activities of life.

I am grateful for this blogging community and the renewed hope and support is has added to my life.

I am grateful for all that this year has brought and for all that next year will bring.

I am grateful for God's grace that allows me to make it through each day.

I am grateful that even in the midst of my heart breaking, that I still know joy.

I am so blessed. So very, very blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Healing, Oh Sweet Healing

That is my daily prayer:

I beg for His healing mercy. I pray for all sorts of healing - to conceive with meds, to conceive without meds, to have a "surprise" pregnancy sometime in my life, to heal me of my desire to even be a mother - anything. I just pray to see some sort of healing in my life. Anything. Please.

Last night I attended a Eucharistic Healing Service at my parish. I attended this Healing Service for the first time two years ago, and I remember asking for prayers to conceive. I think this was around the time when I first began to think that maybe there was a problem.

This year, I went to the service fully aware that there is a problem. (I don't need anyone or anything to remind me of that - it consumes my mind on a minute by minute basis.)  I initially asked my husband to go for us. I couldn't bear the thought of going, expecting a miracle, only to show up the next year begging for the same thing. I couldn't bear the thought of November 2011 rolling around with me standing there, pleading, sounding like a broken record. I sometimes feel crazy for asking, over and over, for a child. (Isn't that the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results?)

So this year I went with a different prayer (okay...I still prayed for our miracle). This year I asked for prayers for all of you, who like me, are trying to build a family - whether you have been trying for a day or trying for a decade, whether you are trying for your first or for just one more. I believe in the power of prayer and especially the power of praying for each other.

Do I feel at times like God forgets to answer prayer intentions that involve me? Yes. But, I do believe that God is faithful. I believe that one day I will look back on these days and be able to see how much fruit was borne of this suffering. And that will be the sweetest healing of all.

Was it love at first sight?

Love is in the air! Betty Beguiles wants some answers.

She wants to know How did you and your significant other first meet? Was it love at first sight or did your affection develop over time? And how did you know he (or she) was The One? 

Here is my answer:

My husband and I had little crushes on each other in high school, but never dated. I was a senior, he was a sophomore (I robbed the cradle!).
I graduated and left for college in OH. He graduated a few years later and headed off to college here in GA.
I never stopped thinking about him and what he was up to. We ended up both moving back to our hometown and started hanging out after an innocent email (I sent him a Monk-e-Mail).
After a year of dating, he proposed to me on the side of a highway in Mobile, AL (we were in a terrible rainstorm)!
I knew he was the one because there was so much peace. I never had to come up with a list of all the ways that he "was the one", there was nothing but peace. We were married after a six month engagement in January 2008.
The last four years of my life have been the.best. I am the luckiest!


How about the rest of you- Give us the details!!

Workin' on it

Not much happening here at the Henderson homestead.

The last week around here has been busy, but uneventful.

I am heading out on a roadtrip to AL with my sister this weekend. I am looking forward to my time with her and her precious daughter, I. I live for roadtrips! I used to love the drives back and forth to Ohio when I was in college and then back and forth to Miss.issippi during my early teaching days. There is something about driving in silence and thinking- I worked through many things on those long drives.

Speaking of working things out, I am really trying to sort through the heaviness/hardness/bitterness that infertility seems to have brought into my heart. I was talking to one of my best friends the other day and we were talking about accepting God's will in our lives. I guess I have long felt that to accept what He has given us is giving up on our dream. That if we accept it, He will think I actually want this! But I hate this cross- I don't really want to embrace this. I want to kick, scream, hit, anything that will cause Him to realize that I can't.do.this. That this is slowly killing me. But that will not change things. I know that God knows what He is doing- He has to.

I am honestly trying to move from the anger and confusion, to acceptance and peace. I am learning that there will be times in our spiritual walk that we will have to remind our hearts to praise him.

I walked down the altar to marry my husband (have I mentioned that I adore him? He is perfect!) to the song "How Great is our God" and I remember singing with a heart full of joy. I had waited for God to bring this man into my life. There were many days that I never thought that day would come.
In Adoration tonight, I realized that my heart still wants to sing that song, but I haven't allowed it to. That through my pain, the song of my heart should still be "How great is our God!". I am realizing that maybe, just maybe, this infertility crap really is a gift.
I am realizing that to sing God's praise feels really warm and fuzzy when things are all perfect, when I have everything I want. But, the key is to continue to sing his praises even when it storms.

Friday Five!

Happy Friday to you all! I love, love, love Fridays!

In honor of it being Friday, here are my Friday Five!


1. What is on your night stand?
 My favorite lamp (compliments of my sister, R), my synthroid, a thermometer, my honeymoon rosary from Pope Benedict, a glass of water.


2. Do you still own your High School senior yearbook? Where is it?
I do! And I love to pull it out and read the entry that my husband left me all those years ago. It currently resides in my sewing closet.

3. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
Cream of Wheat- hands down! With a little butter, cinnamon, and milk. To.die.for!


4. In what ways does your cup runneth over?
The family and the husband God has chosen for me. My husband is more than I could have ever asked for - his patience and his faith have carried our little family when I didn't think I could take anymore.
I am blessed beyond belief to be born into the family God gave me - my parents and siblings are nine of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful job, and some incredible friends. What more could I ask for (besides a baby or seven)?


5. Which of your funny stories have you probably told the greatest number of times?
 It is without a doubt the story of my dog, Kevin, and his first visit with his previous owner. We adopted the dogs from an elderly couple that live around the corner from us. Last Christmas, while they were here for a short visit, Kevin was a little over zealous about seeing her and pulled her wig right.off.her.head. I thought I was going to die. I was able to keep it together, but as soon as she walked out of the house, my husband and I fell apart.


How about you? Give me your Friday Five - Copy, Answer, and Post away!!

I am tagging all my bloggie friends:

Megan at Complicated Life

Megan at Heart of St. Monica

Faith Makes All Things Possible

Awaiting a Child of God

Rachel at Testosterhome

Julie at Adoption Story!


Anyone else?

The ole Face.book Dilemma

I found this article from the Wash.ington Times interesting. Sometimes it is nice to know that I am not alone and that I am not that crazy (I do recognize there is some level of insanity).

I treated myself to an amazing gift a few months ago. I deactivated my Face.book account and I couldn't be more happy. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!

That is not to say that I will never be back, but it had to happen for this season in my life. For me it became "BabyBook"-I have an incredibly prolific group of friends and I couldn't be more thrilled for them. They have the right to celebrate their pregnancies, but with every new announcement, every ultrasound picture, every belly shot, every "I am pregnant and tired" complaint, I was becoming more and more discouraged.

I don't mean to sound angry or bitter, but it was killing me. I totally believe that God is the author of life. I am sure that pregnancy is no walk in the park. Your belly- so cute. But for me, every time I  logged in, I could feel Satan robbing me of my joy. I was tired of telling him (Satan) to go back to hell. I am sure that these women weren't intentionally posting to rip my heart out, but it was happening.

I won't lie- I have jumped on my husband's account while he is on there, but after about two minutes I feel my peace being stolen from me and I have to abandon ship.

For those who struggle with the big, bad FBook for any reason (I know there is more pain/drama/etc.  in the world than infertility)- give it a try. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be and not having the daily FB anxiety attack has been such a source of sweet relief for me (and my husband!). My heart is intact, my peace is intact, my mind...well, we won't go there.

Happy Tuesday to you all!

Kevin!

Kevin, the wonder dog. Doesn't he look fierce?

You know what is worse than being infertile?

...Watching your friends walk through it too.
There is something so hard about knowing the raw pain of infertility and hearing it in the voice of a friend. Why? Because even though you know how much it ROYALLY SUCKS (sorry Mom!), you still don't have the words to say to lessen the pain.

Every text, blog, or call that tells of another month of failure for them, of another pregnancy announcement for someone else, of another baby bump or ultrasound picture posted on Face.book- It hurts for them- over and over and over.

I have a confession to make...

This...this is my wonderful sister. And this...well, this is really what she is like.

I called her yesterday and told her that I had to come out with my little secret. I would be reading some of the Catholic IF blogs and then, BAM- they start talking about my sister. It always made me laugh a little.

It might seem like our lives our polar opposites, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We are both two girls, living the life that God has laid before us, learning from each other, and loving each other along the way. I am so grateful for the gift she is in my life (and not to mention the nephews and niece! she has shared with me).

I love you, R.

Where do you find your morsels of sanity?

Here is where I find some of mine.

I know that scripture says children are a blessing from the Lord, but I think it should also say that nieces and nephews are too (I know it means all children and not just your own, but you know what I am saying!). Oh, how I love them!

I mean, seriously? The.best.

The Catholic Faith-Not for wimps!

Father Dave has done it again- he is awesome. You have to check out this blog entry he wrote about living out the Catholic faith. He reminds us that the Catholic faith "is no wimp religion" and this is something that I feel like I need to hear often. Thanks, Fr. D.

Questions and more

The last week of my life has been crazy. The school that I teach at is celebrating 50 years and there have been a lot of happenings for that anniversary this year.


My husband and I ran in the 50th 5k this past Saturday and we both won for our age group! I have to come clean and tell you that we only won because we were the only runners in our age group, but we still won. I went and tracked my friend, S, down to make sure that she was in the other age group! I have to think that our luck is on the upswing right now!


This past cycle has been really revealing for us and our fertility. I was closely monitored this cycle and it seems as if there is some clarity as to what is going on with me. My bloodwork showed that my E2 (estrodiol) level was not where is should be in relation to my follicle size. Have any of you ever experienced/heard anything like this?


Also, those of you who have gone the Na.Pro route, where did you start? Is Dr. Hil.gers the only option, or is any Na.Pro doctor worth it?

Thank you, St. Francis (and Fr. D)

            The Feast of St. Francis-I love this feast day! It always brings back amazing memories of my Alma mater.

            I loved being at Fran.ciscan University in the fall. That campus in the fall was beautiful!

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to attend Fran.ciscan and I am grateful for all of the ways that it changed my life. I learn a lot about St. Francis and his spirituality. I even had the opportunity to tour Assisi with our study abroad program.

One of the things that I am most grateful for is all of the Franciscan friars that gave up their lives to bless ours. How many people have the chance to go to college at a place that has so many holy men (and women!).

They could always be found celebrating one of the four daily Masses, sitting in the Port adoring the Blessed Sacrament, hearing confessions on the benches outside of the Chapel, or even playing Frisbee on the hill by the field house. They were amazing.

I had the honor of working for one of the friars for several years. Fr. D was such a huge part of my faith journey. He guided and instructed me in a way that made God so real to me. He was my boss, my confessor, my spiritual director, and my friend. I have so many fun (and hilarious) memories of Fr. D, including him flying from Austria to marry me (well, not me, but you know what I mean!). In fact, he is probably part of the reason God sent me the husband that he did! From the first meeting I had with Fr. D, I begged him to ask God to send me a husband (at the whopping age of 18…it took a while!) and I can guarantee you that Fr. D is probably praying for me to conceive. He has helped me to become the person I am today, and for that I am so very thankful.

Fr. D- I am so grateful for your yes to God’s call in your life. Thank you for your yes to the Priesthood and for being an example of a Godly man. I am offering all of my struggles of this day for you. I hope that today you are blessed and that you know how much we love and appreciate you!

Fr. D at the Georgia Eucharistic Conference